1. Click the little apple in the top left corner of the screen.
2. Click System Preferences a window should pop-up.
3. Click Speech (4th row from top)
4. Click third checkbox “Speak selected text when the key is pressed”
5. Click Set-key — type in a desired key command – I use command ⌘+\ – to do this just press “command ⌘” then “\”
6. For the “Saw” voice – you know from the movie – Choose whisper (click system voice than show more voices) . For a normal voice choose Alex and move the speed up in between normal and fast.
7. Open up any word editing program- MS word works fine or TextEdit- Anything where you can type.
8. Type in desired speech– Make sure you spell correctly.
9. Highlight with your mouse all the text you wrote.
10. Test your speech with the keystroke you created (“command ⌘” then “\”)
11. Crank call friend with another persons cell phone (so they don’t have the number) or use *67 to block your number
12. With text highlighted wait till person picks up phone and play the speech.

Here’s some examples that I’ve tested that you can use to get yourself started:

1. Use Alex to create a faux American Express or Mastercard automated generated voice message alerting your prey that they have exceeded the limit on their credit cards. List places where it was used in the message (ex. strip clubs in your area, gay bars, or places they go a lot). Make sure you put in the actual customer service number in the end of the message and make up a fake reference code.

2. Use Whisper to create a “Saw” scenario highlighting the reasons why your target will play “a game.” Ex. “You gamble on sports with your family’s money, now it’s time to gamble with your life….Go to (place) and complete (task)… Live or die, make your choice.” This one scared the living shit out of my friend once so make sure you write a good one.

3. Use Victoria (mess with the speed till it sounds right) to create a scenario that she is pregnant with your friends kid and needs to meet.

Let the hilarity ensue :p

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1.  Super Smash Bros. Brawl (Wii)

Why it’s good sober?

1 Part Sega
1 Part Konami
33 Parts Nintendo

It’s the actual recipe for fun. Play it once and you’ll be hooked.

Why it’s good to play when you’re drunk?

Instead of smashing you’re hand against the concrete wall like you did last night when you yet again failed to pull some tail, you should smash that stupid smirk off that pretentious Mario’s face. I mean how can an Italian plumber who has to find money underground just to survive get to bang a princess. That game was made on shrooms.

2.   Earthworm Jim (Sega Genesis and Wii Virtual Console)

Why it’s good sober?

Because it’s a worm shooting shit.

Why it’s good to play when you’re drunk?

Because it’s a worm shooting shit.

3.  Mario Kart (N64)

Why it’s good sober?
Shoot shells at other people while go-karting= awesome. Also– little secret (every girl loves to play Mario Kart)

Why it’s good to play drunk?

There’s a great drinking game that you can play with it. Last place takes 4 drinks, 3rd place takes 3 drinks, etcetera etcetera. Also this time the girl will be drunk.

2nd Game

Race Toad’s board backwards – every time someone gets hit by a car, truck, or bus you take a drink.

-Thanks Mike for the game

4. Wii Sports – (Wii)

Why it’s good sober?

It’s not: just as boring as you at sex.

Why it’s good drunk?

Because it can get you to have sex. Girls love this easy ass game.

5. Ninja Gaiden Sigma (PS3 and XBOX 360)

Why it’s good sober?

Best game ever. Slice and dice enough to almost feed your killer instinct.

Why it’s good drunk?

Better to kill a guy in a game then a guy in real life. AND you can do it over, and over, and over and over!

-JR — Thanks for reading

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